Although Sea-Monkeys are a species of brine shrimp, they are unique. We not only unlocked the most elusive secrets of their life-cycle, we created new formulas to keep them alive under conditions found in the average home--an accomplishment never before achieved! Finally, after years of crossbreeding [with what, asks Peculiar], we developed a hybrid SUPER Sea-Monkey! [die ÜberMeeraffen!]
One can almost taste the God complex. Which I intend to enjoy a great deal, as my...creations battle for my approval, to be grudgingly given [are we starting Anglo-Saxon verse? --Peculiar. Slow shrinks the shrimps/The water level lowers... --Odious] to those survivors which demonstrate such traits as courage, ruthlessness, and genetic purity.
At first, of course, this plan is only in the first stages. The universe is being prepared for such life as I see fit to visit upon it. But their antics, I am assured, cannot fail to amuse and delight! Item:
Sea-Monkeys cannot be "trained" the way that you train an animal of higher intelligence like a dog, cat or chimpanzee. However, you can easily make them appear to actually OBEY YOUR COMMANDS by means of simple tricks....
Item:
It seems that at mating time in the Animal Kingdom, the males engage in combat to win the fin, paw, flipper, hoof, wing, or what-have-you, of their "lady-love". Since they too are animals, your Sea-Monkeys are no exception, and they also have the right to make "fools" of themselves if they are so inclined. You may think they look cute or funny when you see your pugnacious pets get into a fight, but remember--to them, the battle is very serious, and can (on very rare occasion), even end in death for one of the tiny combatants. [Certain people's view of the Israelis, what? --Peculiar]
I can also apparently introduce chemicals to create desired behaviors:
Item No. 84- "CUPIDS ARROW" Mating Powder
For shy Sea-Monkeys afraid of "marriage", this fabulous formula will give them a quick trip "to the altar"! Once "hooked" ['Hooked'? Oh, dear. --Odious], former "bachelor" Sea-Monkeys will fill your tank with oodles of cute babies--fast.
I was unable to find the chemical that will cause massive wars, but after some experimentation, I'm sure we'll stumble across it. My money's on sweet lady Geneva.
Moreover, they are insured:
Names given must be Socially Acceptable, i.e. names such as: Stinky, Slimy, Sneaky etc. will not be allowed as your sensitive pets might be offended. Give them nice "Sunday School" names. Suggestions: Scamper, Moby Dick, Davy Jones, Barry Cuda, Barry Goldwater [!], Sharkey [Per Tolkien? --Odious], Agamemnon, Puddles, Finn, Peppy, Flippy, etc.This Policy NOT VALID in the event of death due to the following causes: Chain Lightning; Chain Smoking; Earthquake; Tidal Wave; Permanent Wave; Meteoric Showers; April Showers; Invasion of Earth by Space Monsters; Mongol, Etruscan or Viking Plunder and Conquest OR (especially) Accidentally-Knocked-Over-Container of Water All Over The-Good-Living-Room Carpet!
Go forth, my minions, and pillage! I am become Death, destroyer of worlds!
