What to listen for in Philip Glass. I want, for the benefit as such on whom the music may be inflicted, to write a little about how to enjoy the operas of Philip Glass.

Terry Teachout doesn't like him, but Terry Teachout never quoted Buffy, so to hell with him. I will now give you the secret to enjoying Akhnaten.

The prelude is eleven minutes and twenty-four seconds long. You should be able to sink three beers in this time. More alcohol if you're doing shots, but beer is AEgyptian, and you should claim to anyone who questions you that this is a ritual from archaic AEgypt to honor the spirit of Amenhotep III. It is not; the Prelude of Akhnaten serves the same purpose as the knee-plays of Einstein on the Beach: a convenient moment in which to down some pain-killing alcohol.

Now: wait for it. The scribe will begin speaking of the king. Apparently he flies like the zeret bird. No, I don't know what that means, but if you've taken my advice, you don't care. But, get up! Stand up when your archaic AEgyptian scribe is speaking to you! He goes to the sky [the king]. He goes to the sky [ibid.]. On the wind. (De capo).

The funeral of Amenhotep III is beginning. If you do not get up and shake your rump during the funeral of Amenhotep III, you are no true opera-lover. All the goths in the house: ninja dance! Let's see some white man overbite! Throw your hands in the air, like you just don't care.

You call that apathy?

Sing along. Don't worry about not knowing the words: they're mostly in archaic AEgyptian anyway. Contemplate that fact while considering also that this is Mr. Glass' most accessible opera. Keep dancing. You don't want Amenhotep III to go to the sky without a decent send-off, do you? Open are the doors of the horizon! If you really feel bad about knowing the words, they are: Ankh ankh, en mitak/ Yewk er heh en heh/ Aha en heh. Don't you feel stupid for asking? Also, note the absence of violins. Enjoy instead the silliest brass section, ever.

About eight minutes in to the nine minute funeral you will, if you are dancing correctly, start to feel a little winded. Go ahead and sit down. You've got a couple of hours to go. Oh look. Beer! Hurray beer!

And that is how to listen to Philip Glass.